What No One Tells You About Hate Sex

May 23, 2024

If you haven’t had “hate sex,” then put it on your bucket list. If you don’t know what hate sex is, then let me explain. Simply enough, hate sex is when you have sex with someone you hate. It’s not a hate that runs so deep, as in you want to kill them, but I’d say it’s pretty close. And it’s that hatred that fuels this really deep angry intensity that, if you don't like it fairly rough in bed, you might want to steer clear, because hate sex can get pretty rough.

According to some people, hate sex is fantastic. Actually, it’s better than fantastic and, depending on the person you’re having this hate sex with, it can be some of the greatest sex of your life. I remember having hate sex with my husband toward the end of our relationship, after a huge fight in which he actually broke a chair (as a pacifist this was completely out of character, but I have that effect on men), on the kitchen floor and it was phenomenal. I think it was so good, because although we sincerely hated each other in that moment — hence the breaking of the chair — but when it came to sexual chemistry, we were always spot on.

However, for all the hoopla that hate sex gets, it’s not all fireworks. Here are seven things that no one tells you about hate sex.

1. It Doesn’t Resolve Any Issues

Whether your hate sex is with someone you genuinely hate and always have or with someone you once loved (makeup sex, anyone?) or maybe even still love but hate in the moment, having sex with them doesn’t really resolve anything. According to research, hate sex is a way to avoid the real problems. In having sex, all that anger, pain, and vulnerability gets temporarily shelved, so it’s not like you’re getting anything good out of it, at least not from a psychological perspective.

2. It Can Get Out Of Control

As someone who loves rough sex, I know very well that once things get going, if you don’t have a safe word, sometimes things can get out of control. When you’re in the moment of a very heated romp that’s the result of hate or anger, things can get a little crazy and boundaries can be crossed.

Even in the moment, no matter who your partner is during hate sex, you need to stick to your boundaries, let them know your safe word, and be clear about exactly how angry you want to let the situation get.

3. It’s Actually Just A Transfer Of Your Arousal

Many things can arouse us. From smells to songs to even being terrified, arousal comes in many forms. For some, hatred and being angry and experiencing that adrenaline is another form of arousal. So when you enter into that hate sex where you pull your partner’s hair or they smack your ass so hard that you can’t sit for 24 hours, what you’re really experiencing is that transfer and it can mess with your senses.

4. It Can Make Hatred Appear Acceptable

According to research, makeup sex reinforces that fighting is OK, because you know after it, if you and your partner practice makeup sex, you’re going to have one hell of a good time. By that rationale, hate sex can make hate seem acceptable, because you’re being rewarded for that hatred with what can be some pretty amazing sex. And don’t we want to live in a world of peace and love? At least some of the time?

5. It Can Give You False Hope

For most people I know, their hate sex was with an ex, which makes sense. Your relationship has come to an end, you’re supposed to be moving on, but you still have unresolved issues with your ex and maybe a lot of resentment, too. So, in the process of trying to do all this moving on, you end up fighting, screaming, throwing plates that you’re supposed to be packing… then having hate sex on the floor.

Between the combination of the adrenaline and anger, you’re likely to have way better sex than you ever had during your relationship. This can be so confusing. Why? Because sexual arousal make people take risks, oxytocin that's released during sex makes your brain get all lovey-dovey, and before you know it, you’re wondering if you shouldn’t have broken up, if you still love them, and second-guessing all the things that brought you to the decision to break up in the first place. No good. You broke up for a reason, awesome hate sex or not, so don’t start thinking you should give it another chance.

6. You May End Up Feeling Awful

With hate sex, there’s also the shame factor. When we have hate sex it’s sometimes with someone that we normally wouldn’t have sex with because we hate them, obviously. So, while it can feel great in the moment, there’s a possibility that you’ll feel what they call “buyer’s regret” in the morning. Definitely something for which to prepare.

7. You Need To Recognize What It Is

There is no doubt, like in the world, that hate sex can be awesome. However, as research has shown, it’s not exactly simple either. As relationship expert April Masini told Medical Daily, “When people have hate sex and think it means something other than what it is, it’s not so healthy.”

Basically, have all the hate sex you want, really enjoy the hell out of it, but realize that it’s not going to to solve your problems, it’s not going to save your relationship, and you just might feel less than stellar in the morning. It’s all about understanding the logistics of it — not that people consider logistics in the heat of the moment, of course.

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